Friday, April 29, 2011

What was your first concert?

Day 7 of the 30-day music challenge is a song that reminds you of a certain event.  My first concert was an outdoor show by Newsboys at Darien Lake, New York, and they played this song.  It was awesome! 

Thursday, April 28, 2011


Third year university.  Four mid-terms essays co-op interviews credit line maxed out three roommates always home no space boyfriend distant parents don’t call so fat so hungry can’t fail can’t breathe.  Shift books from one aching arm to another as I turn the key in the lock.

Fluttering white silence everywhere.  Couch, cupboards, countertop covered in paper accusations.  Clean up these dishes!  All dishes the same size should be in the same stack.  Couch cushions must be lined up diagonally against the seam.  The rug must be kept centered evenly under the coffee table.  Only one pair of shoes allowed at the front door.  Temperature must stay at 20 degrees.  Countertop must be wiped down with a damp cloth after every use.  TV screen and tables must be dusted every day.  Clean the glass on the meadow picture and the bay window.  Try all you like, you’ll never be good enough.  You’re not even worth talking to face to face.

Standing in my room with pliers twisting my intestines, while she waves pieces of passive-aggressive confetti under my nose, shouts pounding against my skull.  The tightness in my chest explodes and I’m moving, hand raising, shaking and all I can see is her stupid thin lips still pursing in her white face, and God I just want to slap that fucking freckled cheek so hard my red hand will sting.  And my arm goes past her face and I’m screaming get out, get out, pulling the bedroom door past her so wildly the room shakes as the door slams in its frame.

Crank the stereo UP.  They’re pounding on the door and I turn it up and up until I’m wrapped in music, and this is all gone, just me and the bass. 

Walking back in the next day with boyfriend in tow, and forks stop in mid-air, bits of scrambled egg smearing on the table.  Bright gorgeous smile as I flip them the bird and sing Hey bitches!  What’s up? while boyfriend hangs his head.  Because honey, you don’t know who you’re dealing with.  I’ve already done enough victim time for one lifetime, and you can kiss my fist if you think I’m cowering for a bully ever again.

(day 6 of the 30-day music challenge - a song that reminds you of somewhere: Fight Music by D12 (clean version because I'm just not that hardcore anymore...and I don't want to scare you))

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

The wild world of love

Day 5 of the 30-day music challenge is a song that reminds you of someone.  Wild World by Mr. Big brings back my first real boyfriend, an older guy who vaguely repulsed me.  My friends arranged the so-called relationship due to my embarrassing inability to attract anyone on my own.  I went along with the farce, but couldn't hide my disgust when Older Guy stuck his slimy tongue in my ear in a misguided attempt at seduction. 

After a week, Older Guy realized I was serious about not sleeping with him and returned to his more accommodating ex-girlfriend.  I was informed of this development a week after that.  Despite not wanting Older Guy, I still remember the despair that thudded through me.  Would anyone ever love me?  God, being a teenager sucks.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Happy songs

Day 3 of the 30-day music challenge is a song that makes you happy.  I always feel cheery when La Bamba by Los Lobos comes on the radio,

What are your happy songs?

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Ear Maggots

Day 2 of the 30-day music challenge is your least favourite song.  Sometimes you hear a song that dances shivers across your neck, or reaches into your chest and pulsates through your veins.  Then there are those songs that drag their pointy talons down your personal blackboard, scritching their way into your cringing ears. 

I'm not a music snob at all, and think people who are always nattering on about the genius of their pet obscure band are ridiculous.  No objections to happy bubblegum pop here.  So I don't know why this song aggravates me so much, but I could do without hearing Katy Perry's California Gurls ever again.  Every time I hear it I want to throw something.  Those stupid outfits aren't helping - I like my bra tops with metal and fireworks, not giant cupcakes and whipped cream.

work it, work it please stop.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

And I prayed that I still had a home

Woot woot!  Finally, a 30 day post series I might actually stick with - this one's on music.  Today is your favourite song, and at first I thought this would be impossible, since my taste in music really depends on my mood.  But then I remembered I do have a favourite, no matter how I'm feeling.

And I'm not feeling great right now.  That heavy suffocating hand of depression is inexorably pushing my face into the ground, and I'm struggling to breathe.  So I'm glad for a post series that will encourage me to think about something other than this dark cave I've stumbled into again.

My favourite song is Keith Green's The Prodigal Son Suite, even though listening to it hurts my heart.  Someday I'll be on the right end of this song.  Happy early Easter, everyone.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

We Want to Know Wednesday

I'm joining a new link-up this week, hosted by Dandelion Wishes, Impulsive Addict, the Johanson Journey and Seriously Shawn.  New to me, that is - I love finding new linkys!


The theme of the Q&A this week is Friendship:

{1} Do you make friends easily?
No, and I've never understood why.  It gets harder and harder the older I get.  I often meet people I'd like to hang out with, but I don't know how to turn an acquaintance into a friend.  Between S. and working full-time, I don't have much time for socializing in person now, so blogging is great.
{2} What 3 qualities are a must in a friend?
Loyalty.  Loyalty.  Loyalty.  And by that, I mean not leaving me sitting by myself with a plate of cooling hor d'oeuvres and an unusually clean house after I invited you over, and not even bothering to call to tell me you're not coming.  Being stood up hurts, whether it's a friend or a date.
{3} What makes you a good friend?
I would drop everything to help a friend in crisis (and have in the past).  I love hearing people's stories, good and bad, and I think people like to talk to someone who's interested in them.  I have a wicked sense of humour and have been told I'm entertaining ;)
{4} Have you ever met a bloggy friend in real life?
No, but I'd like to.  Maybe someday.
{5} Who is your best friend? Tell us about them.
My husband J. is my best friend, and I've often thought he would be even if we weren't romantic, which is a good base for a marriage.  'Cause let's face it, we don't all stay smokin' hot forever.  He's kind, an amazing father and loves laughing and joking around.  We also have the same beliefs and values, and show love the same ways (there's a great book on this called Five Love Languages).  I'm so thankful I met him at 16 and got to grow up with him.


Friday, April 15, 2011


Another Friday, another 5 minutes from The Gypsy Mama.  Here we go...

"Got five minutes? Let’s write. Let’s finger paint with words
Let’s just write and not worry if it’s just right or not.  Write for 5 minutes flat for pure unedited love of the written word."

I'm in the centre and it's just right.  The perfect distance from everything and everyone.  My beautiful insecure twenties are gone, taking their meager earnings, noisy neighbours and flat abs with them.  Forties to come with their undeniable realization that it's all downhill from there, a steady slide into death.  Sounds morbid but statistically true, so might as well enjoy yourself while you still can.  The perfect distance from friends and family - far enough away to appreciate them but close enough to feel their warmth.  I love when my life's in balance.  Right in the sweet spot and I want to stay here forever.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Wordless Wednesday - Falling in love

As you wish

Married??  Ya, married...sheesh!

Time of my life

Take my breath away

Mr & Mrs Smith 

Everything I do

Kiss the Girl!

Kissing You

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Blogs you should read

I'm supposed to be reviewing financial statements, but this is way more fun.  Hurray for procrastination!!  I've been enjoying reading the blogs of my new followers and catching up on comments - so many great writers out there.  I'm all in love with the blogosphere right now :)

And hurray for awards!  Tenetia from Whimsy and Whirl gave me The Versatile Blogger Award - thank you.  Here I thought I was just insanely moody -  "versatile" is a much nicer spin on it haha!

Here are the rules as I see them:

-Tell us seven things about yourself
-Pass along the award to fifteen newly discovered bloggers

Since I just told you 100 things, I won't saturate you with any more "me" trivia today.  I read so many wonderful blogs that it was hard to pick just fifteen, but here they are:

1)    The Mean Girl Diaries
2)    Sara's Organized Chaos
3)    The Unpopular Girl in Womenhood
4)    Adventures in Estrogen
5)    Another cookie, please!
6)    Is That a Promise or a Threat?
7)    Miel et Lait
8)    know-it-not-so-much
9)    Obiterdicti
10)  So F*cking Fabulous I Piss Glitter
11)  One Mixed Bag
12)  The Knight Life
13)  TexaGermaNadian
14)  Lucy the Valiant
15)  My Blog is Boring

Happy reading!

Saturday, April 9, 2011

How to suck the fun out of your hobbies

Lately I've been pondering the human penchant for taking anything fun (exercise, reading, blogging) and attaching scores and policies to it.  I like making lists and measuring things but isn't there a place for pure enjoyment too?

I started blogging in December and was bemused to google blogging shortly after I started and read very serious dictates on how I should be doing this.  Like William Hung on American Idol, "I have had no professional training of" blogging.  This isn't a business venture.  I want to find great blogs to read (check!) and share my thoughts in a community that responds.  All these "readership strategies" feel really forced and fake. 

Which brings me to my rant (boy I'm bitchy this week!).  I love giving and getting comments...the real ones.  But this copy and paste "follow me I'll follow you" bullshit has got to go.  I wish there was some way to hang a "no soliciting" sign on my blog (actually maybe I should make a badge for this).  It's incredibly rude and I just can't stand it anymore.  The people-pleasing side of me feels terrible about this, but I'm going to start deleting these comments when I get them. 

I don't understand it.  I want readers, people who are genuinely interested/ entertained/provoked by my writing and share their responses with me.  Why would you want a list of people on your sidebar who have no interest in you and never actually read your blog, and just put their name on your list so you'll put your name on their list?  Bizarre.

So to those who regularly read and comment, thank you!  Sometimes I'm slow at replying, but I read and appreciate every comment - your responses make my day :)  You rock!

Things that make me laugh

After this week, I just want to stop with the heavy thoughts and have a good laugh.  So here's some random humour, for my benefit and yours.

*Elaine dancing on Seinfeld

*the duck refused medical treatment - police blotters


*best Christmas decoration ever

*This really did make me LOL!

*My favourite church bulletin typo:

"This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the
park across from the Church.  Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin."

*The crack spider:

*Payback's a bitch

I'd love to add to this list - feel free to share your favourite laughs!

Friday, April 8, 2011

If you met me

Today I'm linking up with one of my favourite hops, The Gypsy Mama's Five Minute Friday.  Every Friday, this is the game: 

Got five minutes? Let’s write. Let’s write in shades of real and true and unscripted.
Let’s just write and not worry if it’s just right or not.

1. Write for 5 minutes flat for pure unedited love of the written word.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. Go leave some comment props for the five minuter who linked up before you.

This week's prompt is:  If you met me...

*GO* would probably misunderstand me.  Not sure if I have an incredible blind spot or if I just don't understand how I come across, but I'm often shocked by perceptions of me, because they're so far from who I think I am.  And that is someone complex, like everyone.  I'm book smart but famously lacking in common sense.  I feel incredible compassion and empathy for others, but am snobbish about poor grammar and excessively loud talkers wearing fanny packs.  The world often feels overwhelmingly unkind, so I shut it out so hard I seem cold.  I crave deep friendship, but no one except my husband has ever measured up to my emotional needs and I have to fight not to push him away.  I feel alone and out of touch with my peers a lot of the time, and always have.  It seems so many people feel this way and I wonder what stops us from connecting.  Why are we so afraid of each other?  I don't want to blame everything on childhood, but I do believe the intense bullying I experienced when younger permanently changed me.  No ten year old should feel suicidal.  Why do we think feelings don't count when they don't belong to an adult?


100 truths

100 Truths

Mrs. Sherman at Moms Bookshelf & More,  posted this today and I decided to "borrow" it - thanks!

1. Last beverage: Water
2. Last phone call: J., to tell me S. finally crawled today!!
3. Last text message: Spam.  I hate texting.  I don't get it.
4. Last song you listened to: Superthug by Noreaga
5. Last time you cried:  An hour ago (see I hate crying at work)

6. Dated someone twice: No
7. Been cheated on: Yes
8. Kissed someone & regretted it: Yes
9. Lost someone special: Unfortunately
10. Been depressed: Yes (see The Music in Me)
11. Been drunk and threw up: Yes and no - I lay very still in bed for a few hours until the nausea reached non-pukey levels.
12. Black
13. Silver
14. Green

15. Made a new friend?:  I'm enjoying meeting new blog friends!
16. Fallen out of love? No
17. Laughed until you cried?: Yes
18. Met someone who changed you?:  S. changes me every day as I get to know her more and more.
19. Found out who your true friends were?: I already knew who they were :)
20. Found out someone was talking about you?:  Yes, I regularly have to pull a certain colleague's knife out of my back.
21. Kissed anyone on your FB friends' list?:  My wonderful husband

22. How many people on your FB friends list do you know in real life? I knew most of them in real life at one point.  Just a handful currently.
24. Do you have any pets?  Two cats who haven't grasped that they live in our house, not the other way around.
26. What did you do for your last birthday?  J. took S. for the day, and I got to sleep in, read a good book, go shopping, work out, have a luxurious bubble bath and eat ice cream.  It was awesome.
27. What time did you wake up today?: 6:15 am.  I'm not a morning person - maybe months of early mornings are what triggered the crying.
28. What were you doing at midnight last night?:  Preparing for a termination meeting I had to hold this morning.
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: I really REALLY need a week off work.
30. Last time you saw your Mother?:  Three weeks ago
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life? I wish I could work three days a week without giving up everything I enjoy about my career.
32. What are you listening to right now? An episode of The Office.
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom?: Of course.  What a weird question. 
34. What's getting on your nerves right now?  Everything.  Thanks, AF.
35. Most visited webpage?: My blog.
37. Nicknames:  Nice try, those are confidential!
38. Relationship Status: Married to my high school sweetheart.  We have "And they lived happily ever after" stenciled on the wall above our bed and that says it all (feel free to gag).
39. Zodiac Sign: I'm so Scorpio it's scary
40. Lady or Gent?: Lady with an edge
41. Elementary?:  Rough
42. Middle School?:  Not much better
43. High School?: If I really thought those were going to be best days of my life, I don't know how I would have survived.
44. Hair Color?: Dark brown. 
45. Long or short?: Short Posh bob.  Somehow it doesn't look quite as hot on me.
46. Height? :5'6"
47. Do you have a crush on someone?:  S. - I'm addicted to her.
48. What do you like about yourself?  I'm curious, empathetic and love laughing.
49. Piercings?: Seven in my ears (only three still open) and one in my belly button
50. Tattoos? One on my left shoulder blade.  J. and I got matching ones in 2009 to celebrate 15 years together (10 dating, 5 married).
51. Righty or lefty? Right
52. First surgery?:  A horrifying wisdom tooth surgery in 2007.  Worst pain I've ever experienced...far, far worse than the entire childbirth experience.
53. First Piercing?: Ears
54. First best friend?:  Heather, who was my best friend from kindergarten through grade six, when she decided she was out of my league
55. First sport you joined?  Softball
58. Notice 56 & 57 missing?: No, I do enough number-checking at work.
59. Eating: Jube jubes and ice cream
60. Drinking : Water
61. *Poke*:  Piss off, I'm not in the mood today
62. *Poke*:  *Dumps water on head*
63. Waiting for?:  Sleep
64. Want kids?  Yes, a little brother or sister for S. in the next few years
65. Get Married?  Already did, to a great guy.
66. Career?  Chartered Accountant

67. Lips or eyes?: Eyes
68. Hugs or kisses: Hugs
69. Shorter or taller: Taller
70. Older or Younger: Not too far either way
71. Romantic or spontanous: Both
72. Nice stomach or nice arms: Arms
73. Sensitive or loud:  Sensitive without being wussy about it
74. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship
75. Trouble-maker or hesitant:  I can be a handful; draw your own conclusions.

76. Kissed a stranger?:  I've been tempted, but no.
77. Drank hard liquor?:  Yes
78. Lost glasses/contacts?:  Yes.  Then I had LASIK - problem solved.
79. Had sex on first date?:  No, not that it's anyone's beeswax.
80. Broken someone's heart?:  Yes
81. Had your own heart broken?:  Yes
83. Turned someone down?: Yes
84. Cried when someone died?:  Yes
85. Fallen for a friend?:  Yes

86. Yourself?:  Yes
87. Miracles?:  Yes
88. Love at first sight?:  More like lust at first sight
89. Heaven?:  I'd like to
90. Santa Claus?:  Never did
91. Kiss on the first date?:  Yes
92. Angels?:  I'd like to

93. Had more than one bf/gf at the same time?: No
94. Is there one person you want to be with right now?  I really want to wake S. up and cuddle her, but she needs her sleep.
95. Did you sing today?  Mournfully.
96. Ever cheated on somebody?  No
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go, and why?  To my university days to feel beautiful and vibrant and go dancing in a club with people my own age.
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be?  A cuddly day with newborn S.
99. Are you afraid of falling in love?  Not anymore.
100. Posting this as 100 truths? Yes

Thursday, April 7, 2011

I hate crying at work

Today I cried at work for the first time in years.  I wrote yesterday about how hard I've been working since I came back from mat leave in January.  This week has been especially hellish and at a management meeting this afternoon, we had a surreal discussion about why employee engagement was so low in our area, while we sat there so exhausted we could hardly process the question.  I wanted to scream "Maybe because we never acknowledge the workload might actually be too high!"  The answer is always that the employees are lazy or don't care, never that the chronic stress and workload have finally taken their toll and they can't even pretend to be engaged anymore.

Normally I really enjoy my job - it's intellectually satisfying, I make a good salary (double hubby's) and I respect my colleagues.  I used to cry daily when I was on mat leave because I am just not cut out for full-time stay at home mommyhood.  But today sucked.  J. called at 6:00 just as I was staring at my out-of-control to do list, to tell me that S. has finally learned to crawl!  She's been practising and practising and I wanted to get home before she fell asleep, so I could cuddle her and clap hands at her new trick.  All of a sudden, everything rushed at me and there I was, crying in my office.  I was hoping no one would notice, but of course my boss picked that moment to come in, so now I have to worry about damage control from being the crybaby flake on top of everything else.

Stop the world; I want to get off.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Shopping gone wild

Today I'm linking up with Bloggy Moms for the April 3 prompt on shopping.

The craziest shopping experience I've had was a memorable mall trip when I was fourteen, during which:

  • my best friend burst out laughing while we were in the middle of the food court, and when she threw her head forward, poked herself in the eye with her straw
  • my other friend singed off half her eyebrow while showing off the flame height of her cigarette lighter after she took the safety off.  At this point we got kicked out of the food court.
  • another "friend" in the group stole a bunch of earrings by stuffing them into a chip bag, then asking me if I wanted some chips and giving the bag to me.  When she grabbed the bag back outside the store I had no idea why.  This is when I started to think I should really get some new friends.
  • we stopped by the nearest department store and mocked the fat middle-aged women shopping in the lingerie section.  Then we ran backwards up and down the escalators shrieking and giggling.  At this point we got kicked out of the department store.
  • we careened down the mall hallways, chattering and swearing at the top of our little girl voices, then taking turns hipchecking each other into store windows.  At this point we got kicked out of the entire mall, so we danced over to the bus terminal, where I scavenged a quarter from someone to call my parents and tell them I was going to Jen's to study for a test tomorrow.  We then took a bus over to our favourite pool hall to flirt and play a few rounds. 
After we got off the bus on our way home a few hours later, we had a moment of the breathtaking stupidity that only comes with real innocence mixed with insecurity.  We stood on the corner of a main street to see who would stop.  When a car full of guys in their mid-20's (30's?) stopped, we scampered away laughing, oblivious to the chill of danger that had just brushed past us.

(from the movie Thirteen - watch it)
And that was shopping back in the day...take it away, Kia hamsters!

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Mommy-Nazis and the Mama Bear

It took me awhile to come around to the idea of having kids.  The incessant screaming, the whiny "mommy mommy mommy" yanking on a pant leg, the ripping open the hooha and pooping on yourself in front of your husband and ten other people - none of this seemed like a party I wanted to join.  Eventually I realized that, like those stickers that say "I love Jesus, it's his fan club I can't stand", I had less of a problem with the children themselves than their parents.

The snobbery.  The entitlement.  The self-righteousness.  The dreadful clothes.  The martyr-who-expects-to-be-worshipped-as-a-hero complex.  The PTA clique made (makes) me want to hurl a stiletto at their unbrushed heads.  Side note - why is your worthiness as a mother judged inversely with how well you've groomed yourself?  How does taking a shower prove you don't love your child?  My sister and I call these nasty women "Mommy-Nazis" and are they ever.  Rachel's right, it starts in pregnancy.  When one of the Parenting Police caught me eating a doughnut while 6 months pregnant, you'd think I was swilling vodka between snorts of crack cocaine.  My insistence on continuing to wear heels into my third trimester was also derided, to the point I was afraid the nut in question was going to tackle me and physically force her hideous Crocs onto my feet instead.

As my due date neared, I was determined not to lose all human decency and hygiene and to fight the Cult of the Child no matter what.  I have some great friends and family who have added "parent" to their identity without erasing everything that came before.  I knew it could be done.

And then S. was here, and the whole world shifted.  I remember crying in the doctor's office, telling her that I didn't want to leave the house because at least while sitting in my living room with S., I knew she was safe (I left that appointment with some very necessary medication).  Every negative experience I've had flooded my mind and I stopped being able to watch the news, or hear anything about a child being hurt.  I still can't handle all the evil out there - I just want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head until I can find a way to protect myself and protect her.

When S. was a month old, J. and I walked with her over to a friend's house.  It was twilight when we started back home and we were enjoying the warm night's breeze when I saw a shadow approaching.  It was a boy on a bike, and I moved behind J. so he'd have room to pass.  As he rushed toward us, I wondered why he wasn't moving to his side of the sidewalk, and then J. was jumping in front of S.'s stroller and yelling as the boy veered wildly to the side, just missing crashing into the stroller.

I'm a little hot-tempered (less so as age wears me out) and the flash of fury that came over me was overwhelming.  I screamed hysterically at the poor kid, who was all of 13:  "Watch where you're going!  You almost trampled our baby!  Asshole!"  *Hangs head* I'm still ashamed of this Mama Bear behaviour and can only say that there's nothing like a baby to bring out the crazy.

People are so cruel and parents are the only soft place a child has.  There has to be a way to show S. my unwavering love and support without turning her into an incredible brat and me into a Mommy-Nazi.  And I'm going to find it, heels and all.