Monday, October 31, 2011

Fun with food

I've been checking my traffic sources lately to see if the excessive boob traffic has gone down yet (nope!).  But the following search terms were so funny I had to share them.

1)  "Elephant bookmobile"

I'd love to post a picture with this, but I'm pretty sure most bookmobiles don't allow elephants inside.  Those extra tons would put a damper on the whole mobility side of things.  What I want to know is why on earth anyone would be looking for an elephant bookmobile in the first place.

2)  "Minion Friday"

I'm afraid every day is minion day for my fellow Dilbert-ers.  Although usually Friday is one of the better days of the week for the corporate slaves of the world.

3)  "Apple pie - you're doing it wrong"

This one made me laugh out loud.  You can eat it, you can practise with it - I don't think there's any way to do an apple pie wrong.

4)  "Pumpkin thong pulled aside"

Hey, whatever floats your boat.  As long as we're all consenting adults, what you do with your gourds is up to you (see #3 above).

And on that note...Happy Halloween everyone!


I must thank (I think) TriGirl for showing me where the pumpkin thong search term came from: shield your eyes, boys and girls, 'cause this is bad:

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Follower Appreciation Week!

One of my favourite pastimes is reading and commenting on blogs, and I found a bunch of great new hops this weekend - hurray!  Check out the hop, skip and link tab if you're looking for some seriously fun linkys.  Somewhere in my travels, I got thinking about how much I appreciate my loyal bloggy friends and their thoughtful comments.  So often I've had a bad day and been cheered by a genuine response to a post when I finally sat down at the computer.

In a fit of excitement, I decided to create my own personal blog hop by going through my entire follower list and visiting everyone's blog.  This has been surprisingly difficult to do, since I can't actually find some people's blogs (no web page link when you click on their name).  And it appears that trying to visit everyone in an hour or so was a bit insane misguided.  But I'm still excited - I've been a little out of the loop for the last few months because of the one baby/two babies/no babies situation.  Just didn't feel like interacting much, and I'm glad to be feeling a little more sociable again.

On a side note, I've wanted to host an actual blog hop for a long time, but I don't think I have enough followers to make it a success.  So thank you to everyone who hosts the linkys I enjoy so much.  Some day...

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Dirty girl

I was at the grocery store yesterday and the woman in front of me had a bunch of produce in her shopping cart.  Unwrapped.  Just a head of lettuce kicking around the bottom of the cart, and some romaine leaves in the front section where a toddler might sit.  Is it just me, or is this really, really gross?

It reminds me of what happened to an acquaintance of mine recently.  She walked into a Wal-Mart bathroom and discovered someone who was peeing in one of the stalls had PUT HER SMALL BABY ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR by her feet.  On the baby's tummy!  Not on a coat.  Not on a blanket.  Right on the WAL-MART PUBLIC BATHROOM FLOOR!!! 

Where the hell is Family and Children's Services when you need them?  Someone who thinks this is OK has such poor judgment that they seriously need to be investigated.  Where does this poor baby sleep?  In the cat's litterbox?  I don't care how badly I had to pee, I would never ever have put S. face down on a public bathroom floor. 

Worst case, I'd have peed holding her in my arms.  And I'm not some crazy germophobe either - when I found S. munching on a cat hair dust bunny in the living room, I took it away from her (obviously) but wasn't too concerned.  I figured it was good for the development of her immune system.

My co-workers and I were talking about child cleanliness recently.  One guy mentioned they bathe their 4 and 7 year old every day and often twice a day.  We thought that was unnecessary and the consensus for babies and toddlers was a bath 3-4 times a week was good enough.  More often if your child (like mine) feels dinner also makes an excellent hair product or is given to epic poo explosions. 

Many people will find this gross, but I see no need to bathe every day either.  I usually do because I work out a lot and sweat like a pig while doing it, so a nice post-workout bubble bath is mandatory in my mind.  But if I don't get to the gym, haven't had a good marital workout and we're not in a heat wave...why bother?  Seriously.  I work in an office so how dirty can I really be?  I don't get it. 

And just cuz I've lost 6.5 pounds in the last 2 weeks and have a glimmer of hope that I may someday see my old body in the mirror, here's a shout out to dirtier, sexier, pre-baby times.  I miss that skanky chick.

Thursday, October 27, 2011


Long ribbons of pearls formed a noose around her neck.  He imagined pulling on them with a jerk to see her head fly up like the cork in his bottle of wine, letting the pressure out.  She smiled at him suddenly, her eyes sparkling in the candlelight.  "Happy anniversary," she whispered, placing her soft small hand on his and twining her leg around his calf, like a snake tightening its coils. 

He wondered where he might be if not here.  Dubai, Paris, a tiny apartment in Hawaii he never saw because he was on the beach.  Chesnut hair curtaining his body instead of blonde.  Whipping through the streets on a scooter behind a brilliant sunrise, everyone and no one all at once.

Bitterly he dragged his soaring thoughts back to her droning:  "...and then we could have a little picnic in the park on the way back.  What do you think?"  Her smile faltered.  "Are you alright, David?  You look flushed."  He curved his mouth upward at her and patted her arm.  "I'm fine," he said gently.  "Just daydreaming for a minute there.  That sounds great.  Is there anything else you wanted to do tomorrow?"

All that remained was to think of a way to make the removal of this thorn from his side look like an accident.  Prison was out of the question for him.  He didn't have to try it to know he wouldn't like it.

*  *  *  *  *

For the Indie Ink writing challenge this week, Jamelah challenged me with "you didn't have to try it to know you wouldn't like it" and I challenged Seesaw with "skeletons, icicles and an exuberantly angry man."

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Mini musings

This week was a great Sunday Steal - lots of interesting questions and I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts on these too.  The linky's here if you want to do your own list.

41. What is a quote that you love?

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it." W.C. Fields

42. Do you think of pure hate as something humanity created?


43. When was the last time you wanted to scream?

When I was standing in line for 20 minutes at a retail store, watching the sales people leisurely wandering around, flirting, chatting and re-folding sweaters while ignoring the empty extra till and the 10 people in line.  Do you want our fucking money or not?

44. Do you ever at times see the world in black and white?

I can see shades of grey in most things, but seeing the merits of someone else's position doesn't mean I agree with it in the end.

45. Have you ever thought that cell phones are too obtrusive?

All the time.  Although not so much now that yelling about your personal business on your cell phone has become the social equivalent of farting in public.  Thank God.

46. In your life, where do you think the rainbow will end?

In Skittles?

47. What is something that you never want to do again?

Lose a child.  I'm still working through the grief of losing my unborn baby at 12 weeks, and my soul shudders at the thought of a later loss.  I don't know how those mothers can go on, although if you have other children that would be a reason to keep going.  It's a horror I pray I'll never experience.  No parent should outlive their child.

48. When was the first time you realized the world was small?

Never.  One lifetime isn't enough to see and do everything the world has to offer.

49. How you spend your time contemplating life’s mysteries?

No special meditation time here - I just think about the deep stuff whenever it randomly crosses my mind, which is frequently.  I like blogging because it's a chance to talk about things that don't necessarily come up in daily life.

50. Ever discuss your political beliefs with people?

Occasionally, but I'm fairly apathetic about politics.  I'm so disgusted by the behaviour of all three of Canada's major political parties that I didn't vote in our last provincial election.  I usually vote because I believe it's important to acknowledge that as a woman I have the right to vote freely, since that wasn't and isn't always the case.  But this time I felt like I couldn't actually place an X beside any of those names in good conscience, so I didn't go.

51. Do you care about the environment?

Here's some brutal honesty for you:  Yes, I care, but not enough to change anything about my lifestyle beyond recycling my newspapers and plastic water bottles.  You won't find any low-flow toilets or hideous fluorescent low-energy lighting in my house. 

52. What’s your motto for life?


53. Is progress destroying the beauty of the world?

Yes.  Big cities are the ugliest places imaginable - like living in the bottom of a garbage can, pee smell and all.

54. Do you believe there is life somewhere else in the universe?

I don't know how any educated person could believe life exists only on our single planet out of billions of others.  What form that life takes and whether we've ever encountered it are different questions.

55. Would you like to rule a country?

No, I'd like to be rich without the inconvenience of fame or responsibility.  Since I consider lotteries to be a tax on stupid people and don't buy tickets, this wish is unlikely to ever come true.

56. Do you believe everything has a purpose?

No.  If someone murders your loved one or you get cancer, it's not God's will or an opportunity for you to learn or grow.  It's just the cruelty of fate reaching out to strike at you. 

57. Is war ever for the best?

No.  And yet, was there any other way to stop Hitler?  So maybe yes.  I don't know.

58. Could you kill anyone in defense of self or loved ones?

Without hesitation.  I also would have absolutely no problem being the executioner for most people on death row.  I would feel a great sense of pride in personally removing Paul Bernado or Karla Homolka from this life, hopefully as painfully as possible.  I don't need to see the videotapes to know that, and I don't care if that stance is mocked as arising from emotion rather than logic.  Sometimes the emotional response is the right one.  If you're trying to avoid capital punishment and there's incontrovertible proof you raped and murdered a child, you don't want me on your jury.

59. How do you react to people (Such as Governor Rick Perry) who don't believe global warming is really our fault?


60. Does love conquer all?

Yes, if you consider the full definition of love in the sense of "love your neighbour as you love yourself".  Romantic love alone is no magic cure, and life events such as the death of a child can destroy even the happiest marriages.

61. Is euthanasia morally acceptable?

I have huge reservations about how it's carried out, but yes, I believe in dying with dignity.  Why do we offer that kindness to our pets but allow our human loved ones to suffer?

62. Is world peace impossible?

Yes.  Humans have proven themselves to be a vicious, territorial species that is biologically incapable of refraining from homicide at a societal level.

63. Is pride a good or a bad thing?

I want to say good, but I think Western society has become pathologically narcissistic and I shouldn't encourage it (says the blogger haha!).

64. What do you think is the purpose of your life?

I don't think there is one, beyond being true to myself while being the best mother and wife I can be.  Cliched but real.

65. Do you believe in karma?

It would make me feel a lot better if I did.  The lack of justice in the world has depressed me since I was old enough to understand the concept of fairness.  Of course I've done and said things I'm ashamed of, but based on what I read in the newspaper about the behaviour of the other 6 billion inhabitants of this planet, I should be polishing my halo right now.

What are your thoughts on the questions above?

Thursday, October 20, 2011

The ashes of hate

His mind wandered.  The ridges pressing into his back have grown comfortably numb, and he's lost interest in the icy stars gleaming above him in the dark sky.  Nothing to do but wait.

He remembered his mother hugging him and kissing his cheek as he squirmed out the front door and climbed into a waiting minivan.  Everyone shouting and laughing, telling fart jokes and tackling each other in boisterous headlocks.  The hood of his shiny red go kart flashed in the sun and he slammed his foot to the floor with a jubilant war cry, sling shotting past his friend.  Holding his trophy proudly in the air, his future was limitless.

Seasons spun through tobogganing parties, baseball and soccer post-game burgers and hot dogs, until suddenly he was standing on the side of a pool, forcing his shaking lips into a smile while the taunt ricocheted around his head.  The hooting in the air buffeted him away from his friends as he stood in silent bewilderment, wondering how he had become Monster Moobs.

The insistent beat of loneliness marked the passing years and he swallowed his rage until it filled everything, leaving him gasping for breath walking up the landing to his dingy apartment.  Slowly the brawls had died out as his anger seeped away, leaving only a mild interest in the daily jabs.  On the way here tonight, he had simply picked up the McDonalds wrapper that had bounced off his head and put it in the garbage, as the frat boy mob drove off, laughing hysterically. 

He had closed his eyes while reminiscing, pretending he hadn't noticed the increasing vibration underneath him until his rescue was finally here.  White hot light burned through his lids and he took a deep breath of relief as the world exploded at last.

* * * * *

For the Indie Ink writing challenge this week, Jen O. challenged me with "love, hate and indifference" and I challenged Indie Adams with "misguided redemption."

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Oops! My vagina's out

Being a total meme monster, I decided to continue indulging myself this week and do the WTF meme

Here we go:

1) MTV is holding an open casting call for its show "The Real World" today at an Oklahoma City Hooters. Have you ever tried out or would you ever try out for a reality TV show?

I'd be an awesome reality star - freakishly honest and weird in general, but in a cute, slightly skanky way.  Like Snooki but smarter.  And without the vajayjay-flashing and constant state of drunkenness.  What was the question again?

2) When was the last time you lost your temper in public? What set you off?

My temper is a fearsome thing that I try not to inflict on the unsuspecting public.  I've been successful at this for most of my post-teenage years, with some notable exceptions.  Last year I had a serious Mama Bear moment and contributed to the emotional scarring of some poor kid *hangs head*. 

More recently, while I was miscarrying my first twin on my close friend's wedding day, I had an altercation with a sales girl at Ardene who allowed someone to blatantly shove in front of me and then tried to blame me when I asked her why she was ignoring me.  My voice may have gotten a teensy bit above normal volume and given my emotional state at the time, she should be thankful she only got a verbal smackdown.  And that reminds me - I have a complaint letter to write.  I'm not done with that bitch.

3) Everyone around me is talking about getting flu shots and saying I should get one, which I refuse to get one. Do you get flu shots each year?

Yes.  I haven't had the flu in the years I've got the shot and have had the flu in the years I didn't get the shot.  Sold.

4) Today (Oct. 19) is Hagfish Day. Hagfish are believed to be one of the world’s ugliest living creatures. What is another animal you think is really ugly?

This thing.  Hope I don't have nightmares tonight.

5) Spike TV held its annual Scream Awards last weekend giving the Harry Potter movie series its "Ultimate Scream" prize. What was the last movie that made you want to scream?

Mr and Mrs Smith kind of made me want to scream in a "Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie making out is so hot I can't stand it" way.  I detest horror movies, so the last movie that might have scared me into screaming was Splice.  Thought-provoking and seriously creepy.

6) Today is Evaluate Your Life Day. On a scale from 1 to 10 with 10 being the best it could be and 1 being horrible, what would you rate your life at this moment?

This is a hard one given recent events.  But I still have hope and the fact is I live in a first-world country and have a good job, happy marriage, beautiful baby girl and my health.  I think that's worth at least an 8.

7) Last week, the CW angered many fans of its show "The Secret Circle" and of the book series the show is based on by killing off one of the main characters only five episodes into the series. Have you ever gotten angry (or sad) over the death of a fictional character?

In junior high, I actually wrote in my diary about the stress of watching Brenda and Jagger's romantic trials on General Hospital.  That should tell you something (disturbing) about how invested I get in fictional characters.  I still haven't gotten over the fact Buffy and Angel didn't get together in the end (although at least no one died, permanently at least).   Watching Simba cuddle under dead Mufasa in the Lion King made me tear up this weekend.  What can I say?  I'm not a robot.

8) Walmart recently announced that it is bringing its layaway program back for the holiday season. Will you be placing any gifts on layaway this year (at Walmart or any other store that has layaway)?

So many Wal-Mart jokes came to mind, I couldn't even type for a few minutes there.  I don't really have the patience for layaway.  Once I decide to buy something, I want it in my hot little hands right away.

Bad hair and big boobs

I love lists, so when I found Kate Takes 5 and her list linky, I knew I had found my happy place.  This list is supposed to be our top 5 search terms.  I've looked at these before and it was pretty depressing.  You make one reference to big boobs and thongs in months of posts and the only people who come to your blog are guys looking for masturbation material.

Not having looked at my search terms for awhile now, I had hoped my regular writing about things other than mammary glands had paid off.  I was wrong, and I can't even make a proper "top 5" list since the search terms are all kind of the same thing.  So I'm doing a "top 5 categories" of search terms instead...except there are only three.

3)  Pajama jeans 

These really are dreadful, and I hope the people using this search term are looking for a laugh, not shopping online.

2)  Bad hair, as covered by the following two search terms: 
     -hairstyle bad fringe
     -horrible bangs haircut
God can only give so many blessings above the waist, and he used all of mine on #1 below.  The hair?  Not so much.

The spectacular finale to my tiny list was triggered by SEVEN separate search terms:

1)  Breasts + big = blog traffic.  Might not be the kind you want though.
     -big boobs
     -girl with big boobs
     -big boobs naked
     -naked big boobs

and my number one search term of all time:


This explains why I don't get many comments on my posts - clearly I'm not meeting the needs of my readers.  The thing is, I don't want to meet those needs...WTF did I do to deserve this?

Thursday, October 13, 2011

All the ways I love you

We don't have much money, so she thinks about special occasions all year long, watching for sales and carefully choosing gifts for the birthday three months from now.  She relishes the surge of excitement when she picks out a present she'd love to get herself.  Humming happily as she digs into her favourite chocolate cake, she doesn't notice me pushing it aside after I've blown out the candles.  I hate chocolate.

Her fingers tattoo boredom on the table as she stares blankly out the window.  She's given up so much to be here with me and now I'm gone most of the day.  I come home at lunch to pick at a turkey sandwich and snap at her before storming into my room.  She sticks with it, because this is what mothers do: spend time with their children.  She never hugs or kisses me, but look at all the thoughtful gifts she's given me, all the hours of quality time.  How could I not know I'm loved? 

My body tingles at his proximity, the tiny hairs reaching out greedily for the warmth pulsing just out of reach.  He steps forward and wraps me in his arms and I drink him in like rain in my dusty mouth.  He crawls in my skin and I hold on as tight as I can, imprinting the foreign sensations in my soul.  His mouth on mine fills me with oxygen, bringing life where I was drowning.  It's the first time anyone has shown affection to me, the first time anyone has cared enough to touch me at all.

We sit in awkward silence, drops of oil in water.  She pokes at her tea bag, wondering where she went wrong.  I flick idly at the crumbs on the table and pick up my purse with a sigh.  Sometimes I think I should just cut my ties, isolate the hurt to a small scarred area. 

But instead I choose to learn.  Reach out every day to cuddle my daughter and breathe love across her, so she'll always know.  I might not always remember to get her a Valentine's Day card and her birthday present might be a little late, but I never forget to hug her tight and tell her I love her.  She knows.  Doesn't she?

*  *  *  *  *

For the Indie Ink writing challenge, Kevin Wilkes challenged me with "Motherless child" and I challenged Tobie with "Music means nothing to me."

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Oktoberfest + Retro Video Dance Party = Fun

I wanted to add pictures to this post, but I can't find my camera's CD or USB cable and I feel lazy, so here it is in all its unadorned glory.

Courtesy of Sunday Stealing:

1. Is there someone in your life you know you’d be better off without?

No.  It took a ridiculously long time to learn this lesson, but I finally did.  I don't keep toxic people in my life.

2. Do you get criticized because of your body?

Indirectly - someone's always making a snarky comment about my love of sweets.  J. never says anything negative to me and it's only my mother who feels the need to tell me I'm fat.

3. Did you kiss the last person you called?


4. When was the last time you danced?

On Friday, when I went to a retro dance party and got completely trashed and put on what I vaguely recall as a rather risque performance to Baby Got Back.  It was the most fun I've had in ages.

5. Do you keep in mind other people’s feelings?


6. If you have a hang nail, do you pull it or clip it?

Pull it.  Did you really care about that?

7. Who do you want to forget?

No one.

8. Who was the last person to send you a letter?

My good friend Melissa, who sometimes sends cards out of the blue.  It's so great to get something other than bills in the mail.

9. Who did you last tell to shut up?

Out loud, the cat.  In my head, my crazy co-worker.

10. What’s the last thing that you smelt that smelt bad?

The kitten we're fostering for the humane society.  She's only 3.5 weeks old and man, does she stink.

11. What’s your favorite cereal?

I don't eat cereal.  Froot Loops.

12. How do you feel when people lead you on, but they don’t even like you?

Disappointed, but not surprised.  People suck.

13. Could you live without sunlight?

.Absolutely not

14. What’s something you know is bad, but you want to do it anyway?

Eat lots of ice cream.

15. What was the last thing you lied about?

I tend to be inappropriately honest, so this one was hard.  In fact, I can't think of anything.  This means that I'm either a saint or lie so pathologically I don't even realize I'm doing it anymore.  I'll go with the saint theory.

16. Do you regret anything you’ve done in the past week?

Skipping my Monday zumba class and instead staying home and moping.

17. What was the last movie you bought?

I hardly ever buy movies because I think they're wildly overpriced.  I am planning on buying Horrible Bosses when it comes out, because it made me laugh until my weak little abs hurt.

18. What is a sport you would like to do?

Figure skating.

19. When was the last time you felt like crying?

Friday when I was awakened from a too-short nap by S. whining, and I thought about all the work and non-sleeping I had to do this weekend.

20. Have you ever wanted to kill someone (not that you actually do it)? 

There are a few people I wouldn't push out of the way of a Final Destination moment.  No one currently in my life (see #1 above).

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Thanks for the ride

They didn't even notice her slip away.  Fanning out to gather the widest sample possible, the team headed toward the upended obelisk looming in the distance, retention capsules open and ready.  She held back and edged further and further to the left, until it was a quick side step into the tangled vegetation, which swallowed her whole.  Coughing as the plant disgustedly spit her into a clearing in the jungle interior, she wiped the pastry-scented slime from her face, curbing the impulse to lick her lips. 

Poison bark skittered up her arm, leaving beautiful, oozing tracings etched in the flesh.  She flailed wildly, whipping the hissing fungus away.  Stop.  Breathe.  And there were the packs, nestled in a soft hollow of feathers right where they'd left them.  She hopped in excitement; everything was coming together perfectly!  Yanking the tags off the closest pack, she quickly rifled through the meal capsules to be sure nothing was missing.  No point in stealing a pack that wasn't full.

Satisfied with her inspection, she dragged each pack across the grooved rubbery ground and pushed it up the sled ramp, panting as she shoved it into place.  The quioroc flicked a tentacle at the packs and stomped a paddled foot impatiently.  She growled at it and pinched its thin skin with a vicious twist, laughing as it squeaked and shrank away from her.  Arranging the packs in the middle of the sled, she paused to survey her treasures and then blinked at the quioroc to take off.

In the incandescent halo of the collapsing sun their tiny waving forms seemed unreal.  The wide eyes and screaming mouths like characters in a play, with the tilting planet a stage.  She flicked the thrusters to full power, smiling slightly as she imagined their initial shock blazing to panic.  What would she say to them if she could?  She thought of all the smirks and insults over the years on the shuttle, the long lonely days and nights.  Releasing the thrusters, she shook her head.  Nothing to say at the end of it all, except the shuttle like a middle finger raising to the sky.

The shuttle pushed the foreign ground away, her teammates blurring into nothingness as she rolled her eyes up to the strange green sky and her new life. 

* * * * *

For the Indie Ink writing challenge this week, Kurt challenged me with "The things that I wish I had said to her/him/you/them" and I challenged FlamingNyx with "The best psychopath in the group."