We notice when you pull on your balls and are not impressed. Even if, especially if you pull on them while wearing a suit and sitting across from us in a business meeting.
It freaks us out when you're skinnier than we are. It just does.
We want a hug, not a ten-point action plan.
Admitting another man is attractive does not mean you're gay. Although it will probably alarm your girlfriend or wife if you start wolf whistling hot guys on the street.
When we fall into the toilet in the middle of the night, we lose all interest in sex for a minimum of one week.
You get better with age.
Our conversations with our girlfriends are far more detailed and X-rated than your conversations with your buddies. Until we're married and zip that lip out of respect for you...on the topic of sex at least.
We love how you make us laugh, which is usually not when you're telling a joke.
No, you don't like women who are completely au natural. You like women who are good at blending in their make-up.
Your hair loss bothers you more than it bothers us.
Hiding dishes in the oven or clean laundry under the bed doesn't qualify as putting them away.
We need you badly. Just not for your money.
Asking us what we're thinking about and then starting to watch TV as soon as we open our mouths ensures a nasty answer.
There's nothing cooler than a man who doesn't care how cool he is.
We masturbate more than you think.
When we're at a party together and we have food stuck in our teeth, it is your duty to discreetly tell us. Immediately, not in the car on the way home.
It doesn't matter how long we've been together. Number two should never, ever happen with the door open.
It's OK if you think a celebrity is hot and she bears some resemblance to your girlfriend or wife. Expressing great admiration for a flat-chested bleached blonde when your partner is a busty brunette will shut things down in a hurry.
We're strong and we work hard. We expect the same from you. We want a partner, not another child.
Penises are awesome. That is all.