Saturday, November 9, 2013

Nobody cares! (but we're still listening)

After listening to friends complain about types of facebook status updates, I noticed that social media etiquette seems to be a hot topic. Huffington Post recently ran a scathing article mocking facebook users who post about any of the following:
  • good things in their lives
  • bad things in their lives
  • love for a significant other
  • feelings/emotions without thoroughly explaining in minute detail the reason for said feelings/emotions
  • daily activities
  • benign messages to friends that others can see
  • expressions of gratitude
  • support for any opinion shared by others
  • any philosophical comment/quote
Apparently people who post these things are insufferable, narcissistic attention whores who should be ostracized like the social lepers they are.

Do you know who I find insufferable? People who maintain a facebook friendship or follow a blog only to make fun of the author for exhibiting the qualities of your average human being anywhere. I'm curious as to what remains that is acceptable to post on facebook according to the etiquette police, since it seems designed for precisely the topics listed above. Any substantial discussion is more easily addressed in a blog or personal conversation, which leaves the trivial to find a cozy home in facebook status updates.

I like the alleged "image crafters" that I've previously known as my friends. A friendship may have drifted apart emotionally or geographically, but I'm still interested in what that person is doing and enjoy the casual chats about their latest projects and plans. Then again, my facebook friends list is limited to people who I like and whose thoughts and activities do interest me. It's a bold concept that others might consider implementing in their own facebook lives.

I don't want to mess up the image I've been developing in my well thought-out facebook posts, so I'm working on getting the wording just right for my next status update:

Stop taking social media so seriously, precious. If you have a problem with everything everyone else posts, maybe the problem is you.

Now to sit back and wait for the applause! #lol!

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

A nice clean-cut hole

Mishaps find me wherever I go and it's rare that I get to write a funny post where I'm not the punch line. So when the opportunity comes, no way am I letting it slip past me. A few months ago Jay was in the garage helping me load up the kids for the morning day care drop-offs; we were running late and both frazzled as we tried to make sure everyone had their supplies for the day. A second of lip contact and I was speeding down the street without looking back.

If I had glanced in my rear-view mirror, I might have seen my husband running after me, waving wild arms in a futile attempt to catch my attention. On safety auto-pilot, I had locked the garage door into the house, not realizing Jay hadn't brought his keys outside with him. So there he was, standing in the garage in a ratty tank top and shorts, twisting the stubborn doorknob in the hopes it would magically unlock itself and let him in.

Now what would be a reasonable solution to such a dilemma? Our neighbor two doors down runs a home daycare, so one option would be to walk the 30 seconds to her house and call your wife to let you back in. Just a thought.


You could climb into the unlocked back of your truck, take out your drywall tools, cut a man-sized hole in the wall between the garage and the house, pull out the insulation, push aside the wiring and crawl through the wall into the house.

Later that day you could call your wife and casually mention the giant hole in the wall, as if this were no big deal and really the only logical way to deal with your unfortunate situation. When she tells you that just because you do drywall for a living you can't go around bashing holes in walls, you would be justified in taking offense and informing her that you did not "bash" a hole: it was a nice, clean-cut hole. What else could you have done? Go over to the neighbor's house in a grungy tank top and ripped shorts? Well, that's just crazy talk.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Where are the instructions for this thing?

 Some people have a knack for making friends. I am not one of them. The casual chats I've had with schoolmates, co-workers, gym acquaintances, etc. never seem to turn into the social invitations that come so easily to others. Any attempts on my end to make plans have met with busy signals and I've stopped trying. My inability to make friends has been a bruise that never heals, a steady ache that pulses underneath my busy life of work, fitness, husband and babies.

Yet somehow in the last two months I've stumbled into the alien territory of new friendship. It's exciting but scary, because I really like my new friends but have no idea how to keep them. If I text them and they don't reply right away, I immediately think I'm pestering them and I've confused politeness for friendship. But I've also been told I can seem cold and unfriendly, so I've been trying to reach out more even though I feel stupid doing it.

It's a good thing I'm happily married, because clearly if I had to date I would be alone forever.